Saturday, 7 May 2016
The bad, the really bad, and the never ending
Physical pain is hard to talk about, almost as much as it is to live with.
I have had a horrible week. In general, I've had a very bad few months, but this week has been the worst -Although maybe I say that every week. I don't even know anymore.
The Baclofen I taken to control severe muscle spasms and tightness (which are usually quite good) are barely doing anything now.... It's a really strange sensation to explain. My body is like stone. Like something is grasping by whole body and squeezing.
A sharp, knife shoots through my shoulder blade. It cracks, pops, crunches. My neck twists. The only relief is by bending and pulling the shoulder, into place it seems. It's excruciating, but eventually after all the pulling and popping, it becomes numb. For a while.
It often travels from the shoulder, pouring down the arm. Becoming prominent around the joints -elbow, wrist and sometimes even fingers. My fingers have become deformed in the right hand the last few years, and I have no idea why. All I know is pain.
The hip pain is never really hip pain. It's hip pain, buttocks pain, lower back pain, thigh pain and knee pain. On days when I "over do it" it pops, then burns and swells. All these things are normal with hip pain, particularly the buttocks and the knee referral.
My flat feet cramp. My toes turn up in an effort to stabilise my body and not fall over. My legs are numb and unusable, for the most part.
I sleep all the time, yet I never
sleep. Two hours rest is the same as twenty hours. I zone out, I pass out. I dream only in lucid terms, and I'm conscious of my surroundings, yet I can often not move enough to wake my body, to open my eyes.
Every day is the same. Every day is night, and night is day. Time passes completely differently when the pain is like this. It consumes all. I have nothing or very little to do, but still don't have the time to do it. I can't concentrate on anything. I lose time. The pain envelopes all my senses. My body and mind turn to stone.
It's really not all bad. I play and cuddle with my dogs, I watch Star Trek in bed with Bicky, and he makes me laugh. I annoy the cat. Some days I do dishes and laundry. But mostly I just lose time.