Tomorrow is the big awards day! For previous posts about it, see here and here. This is the second time I have ever been nominated for a blog award, and the first time that I have ever been shortlisted and then placed into the finalist list (the previous awards didn't have any shortening on the nominations prior to the awards night).
I've been so unwell lately, that I'm quite nervous about attending. I've had two social occasions recently/ the last couple months that really took it out of me -even though walking was limited on each occasion as much as possible. Where once an event (sitting down, relaxing, not really doing anything) would have had me in bed for the next day or two afterwards, events (of any kind) now have me in bed and in pain for days So while I have to choose wisely and have a massive sense of guilt about attending, I'm still determined to go.
Guilt might like seem like an odd term there... I suppose I should explain.
As you may have read in previous postings, or even rants on my Facebook page, every activity takes so much more energy to accomplish when you are unwell. Hence where the spoon theory comes into play (although it isn't always as straight forward). I have to pick and choose small activities as well as the bigger ones -which is important to do now, which can wait. This ranges from getting dressed to walking the dogs briefly, to doing the dishes or to bigger events like socialising.
If I choose something on the top scale today, going to socialise with a friend for a couple of hours, then I can't do anything else that day or the next day. If I do the laundry and wash the dishes then I will have to nap and can't play with the dogs. If I wash my hair then I can't make dinner and Bicky has to make it (which he does loads, I'm not at all being sexist and saying women should make it, LOL! Just of course I also enjoy doing it and want to help out more often). It's give and take and many times I feel like I'm letting others down, in never ending and forever loosing battle to accomplish as much as possible.
I desperately want to work full time and miss my job, even part-time, but I get up and use my energy to get dressed (yes, that's how ridiculous it is) so then I need to nap or at least rest for a while. I need to get up extra early to prep myself -take my pills, sit up and try get my BP higher/ normal before standing, pop my joints into place, move my hands and feet to try get some feeling back into them (peripheral neuropathy issues). Of course sleep is something not really in my control, and either is waking up. From "painsomnia" to phases of sleeping 20 plus hours, completely knocked out and non responsive to anyone trying to wake me. It's an endless rotation.
So attending a function, even for an hour, riddles me with guilt.
I sit there thinking: I could leave the house maybe tomorrow if I wasn't here, visit a friend or go to work for couple hours (not always the case -as I said, spoon theory isn't so straight forward), but maybe I could do a bit of laundry or hoover... Bicky is great for encouraging me to realise that I need a break too, sometimes. That friends won't be angry at me if that time isn't with them, that the world won't think little of me. "Oh look, thought she was sick". I know some will think that or similar, yet others have the cop on to know that that part of my life is a rarity. And I know the latter are the only people that I should care about. But I also know this guilt is a normal part of chronic illness and experienced by everyone... That is in someway comforting.
As for the awards tomorrow, I better go try and attempt to wash my hair and have a bath now, LOL... I'm going even one step further and also going to try not use my wheelchair. Even though I have been stuck in bed since Monday. I'm bringing it just in case but hopefully my cane will suffice. I know that probably sounds quite dumb in my current state and by what I'm after writing, that by using the chair I could conserve more of my energy... but I have so very little control of my life right now. As stupid and egotistical as it is, I want to have this tiny slice of independence, pride (although unfounded), authority over how I live my life and less self loathing -even if it causes me further pain. I'm not winning in this scenario by being so stubborn, I do realise this, haha. But I'll take my victories where I can, no matter how unsubstantial.
I'm not expecting to win, but looking forward to mingling with other bloggers and a rare night out with Bicky (who works some nights but booked tomorrow off). And of course dressing up -although a circus themed dress I ordered online doesn't look like it will be here by the morning so will have to go with a plan B somehow, eeek.
I want to finish this post with linking to my peers, the other finalists in the category of Health and Well-Being. Some of these blogs I read on a regular basis and some I'm completely new to and looking forward to exploring further. If you like my blog, check out these really great ones! I'm honestly proud to be by their side.
I will try to take loads of photos on the night and post about them at the weekend (still no sign of this broadband installation! But pinkie promise I will post more regularly as soon as they get their arses in gear).