Sunday 6 March 2016

How to tell when you're old af

As my 31st birthday approaches, I'm reminded of how old I am (I assume that's the point of birthdays).

Yes, I'm old. And yes, of course it's all relative -you may be reading this and be 60 and all like "STFU, wench". But anyways, my point is, I'm officially not "young"... Do you know how I know I'm not young? I am happy to be old. The last year I have developed into this stage of my life where instead of being all like, "man, I wish I was I was 23", I think "man, I am delighted to not be 23".

Anyway, enough quotation marks! If you are still unsure if you qualify as old AF/ not young, then read over my list to determine...


1. You learn to ask for sauce on the side

No I don't mean metaphorically, although you are apparently a guru in everything that you perceive as "alternative health" as well as sassy life advice. I mean in restaurants, dining out. I used to hear people ask for that, or similar requests. And to be honest, thought -wut?

I'm not a regular at going to restaurants, but the older I get, the less sauce I want. Not even a calorie control thing, as with
some older ladies, I just don't want my expensive food drowning. This might sound like an odd example, but keep an eye out for it. I think a part of it is learning to have the balls to offend a cook.

2. You moisturise everything

Even if you have never had particular issues with dry skin, and used to maybe moisturiser your face a little and only on occasions. You gradually began spreading it more down your neck. Maybe bought some hand cream. Now you're so creamy you're not sure what your real skin actually feels like any more.

Little tip: save on expensive moisturisers and use up of that extra side sauce. You're old now so you hate spending money.

3. New bed sheets and duvet covers for the win

The feel, the smell, the accomplishment.

Satisfaction level: 9

4. "I'm/ we're in the middle of decorating"

Becomes your mantra. Houses are never finished.

5. If you don't have children you cannot go in the kiddies pool

Or run into the ball pits, trampolines, or any fun children's thing in public. Going to the cinema and watching cartoons without a kid in tow is even pushing it.

Before it was considered funny, cute, youthful, fun -look at that mad little thing in her early 20's, having a giggle and enjoying life...

You're old now. And you're creepy. And you're causing people to question if you are a sex offender.

6. You mix up terms like "snappy back" with "snappy chat" 

And try to pretend you were being ironic. 

Irony is still hip, yeah? Is Alanis Morissette still alive? Get her on the phone. Or on your watch, whatever way we communicate this week.

7. Harry Potter is no longer a new reference

Let that sink in.

Some teenagers won't know what the hell you are talking about. Shouting out random phrases from it. "Expecto patronum!" and "ten points to Gryffindor!" really make no sense out of context.

Added with old people crumbs in your beard, comfortable clothing and slightly askew glasses (which you'll get fixed "one of these days") you look like your old maths teacher. Yeah, you're that guy now. Congratulations.

8. Colonoscopies 

Want one? Want three? No? Tough, get used to em.

Doctors are obsessed with your big, old ass.

9. You own more fleeced items than you once did

Are you wearing a fleece jumper right now?

I bet you are. You cold, fleece loving, practical adult bastard you.

10. Your love of stationary and organising things is bordering on obsessive

You hide from loved ones how much time you actually spend thinking about where to store things, the best devices and containers to buy for different items... do you own enough lunch boxes? Maybe my quinoa would look better in a mason jar? The bag of tealights are yet to find a permanent home, but you can't think of that now -the dogs' new clothes have to be put away into their wardrobe first.

11. You argue with your cat

Or other animal.

No young person in the history of young people, has ever shouted: "Cat! Get off my humidifier!".

12. You own a humidifier

And a juicer, and probably a spiraliser.

Cool, young people don't even own an iron and if they do, they use them to do cool shit. Like brand each other and make toast.

13. You love writing lists

[Such as this blog post... Har!]

Far easier than the struggle of actually trying to remember things.

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