The wonderfully funny and annoying world of brain fog

...Or "mind mist" as I once accidentally called it!

For those who don't live in the realm of chronic illness and/ or chemotherapy, let me first explain the concept around "brain fog"/ "chemo brain"/ "mind mist", or whatever non-medical way you want to phrase it. I would even throw "baby brain" in there, as I imagine it's quite similar.

Everyone has those moments where they walk into a room and forget why, can't think of the right word for an object, have no idea where they left something important or simply lose their train of... thought. But "brain fog" (I actually went to write "brain flog there" -seriously) with illnesses is different -it's pretty much constant, and even though it can take several forms, it can be quite severe. It's more than just the normal mix-ups.

Usually there is no known cause or explanation for the phenomenon, and it's not generally medically recognised. I suppose in most cases it's something that isn't easily studied or monitored. During chemotherapy I put it down to, well -I've cancer... knowing that you have cancer is pretty distracting to say the least. Of course people with cancer have preoccupied minds.  I assume with certain conditions that effect blood flow and/ or oxygen to the brain, such as orthostatic intolerance, that the reason for confusion is a pretty obvious one. I had heard of the term "brain fog" within the chronic illness community before chemotherapy, and recognised that I had some issues (mostly forgetting where I left things!). But the first time I had actually heard a medical professional discuss it was when I was diagnosed with cancer -"chemo brain", as they called it. But other than that, doctors don't really bring it up. It's important to note that it is not a medical diagnoses, rather than an annoying, sometimes humorous symptom. If you suddenly develop this and have no idea why, please see your GP immediately so all possible underlying issues can be explored.

For me, since chemotherapy, my fog has grown to absolute mind farts. I can't recall the name of a lot of items, varies on the items from day to day of course, but it is constant. It's fine/ doesn't really effect my general life in a negative way. If anything, me and Bicky get quite a laugh from it. For others, depending on the reason for the mental blocks, it can't be very scary and worrying. The above example in the first sentence, is actually a true case -I had brain fog, about the term BRAIN FOG. Seriously.

Here are some other fine examples of what I'm talking about, from friends, fellow spoonies and fellow bloggers (as well as some of my own word bombs):

A message to all bloggers

I adore this quote.

I have nothing against bloggers monetizing from their writing, quite the opposite, even if it's just not for me right now. So I don't want this to come across as such a post that is bashing that, as I know it's a sensitive topic in the blogging community. Whether you decide to make money through your blog or not, it does not define you as a real blogger, or even a good one. It's simply a personal choice, an added element that some opt into.

But sometimes people get lost with their writings, for various reasons -whether your blog is your hobby or your job. Bloggers get stressed out, worn out, upset with themselves if they don't meet their own high standards and don't post as much as they feel they should. It's YOUR blog at the end of the day, it's your art, it's your baby. Don't forget that. Enjoy it. Stop being your own worse critic. If you can't update it as much as you would like to, or as much as you feel is the norm -so? (Especially common amongst us chronic illness bloggers). Why are you judging yourself against imaginary boundaries? Stop feeling guilty, just stop it. You are not letting yourself down or anyone else. There is no need to post the obligatory apology, "Sorry for not being around guys", and then explaining why you haven't been posting. I do this, and I hate myself for it. I think it's a habit we all need to get out of and it's something I have been learning to do. When you think about it, it's actually really egotistical... Like, we're simple bloggers at the end of the day. We are not surgeons, we're allowed a day off -and probably no one will notice. I don't mean that to sound harsh, I am simply being realistic about what we are achieving here. Sure, some posts change views, help people in some way or maybe brighten a day just a bit. But to think that society will collapse if we take time out to recharge, or that we owe anything to anyone in this way, is just silly.

I know this might be different though if you have advertisers relying on you, but if you ever get to the stage that your blog is depressing you, or even getting you down a bit -STOP. And think. It shouldn't be like that. And sometimes, it does get to that level. I've heard many people talk about their blogs like they are a  depressive burden (in various online groups that I'm a member of). If you are struggling to keep up with advertiser's demands or deadlines and you are beginning to hate what you are doing -just STOP. Is it worth it? Is this what you wanted blogging to be? There must be a happy medium, maybe take less jobs on or have a break and write about something that you love. Perhaps something personal (those posts are scary, aren't they? They are also really liberating, and a good re-charge into getting your blogging mojo back).

#LWIBloggies2016: The eve of the awards

Tomorrow is the big awards day! For previous posts about it, see here and here. This is the second time I have ever been nominated for a blog award, and the first time that I have ever been shortlisted and then placed into the finalist list (the previous awards didn't have any shortening on the nominations prior to the awards night).

I've been so unwell lately, that I'm quite nervous about attending. I've had two social occasions recently/ the last couple months that really took it out of me -even though walking was limited on each occasion as much as possible. Where once an event (sitting down, relaxing, not really doing anything) would have had me in bed for the next day or two afterwards, events (of any kind) now have me in bed and in pain for days So while I have to choose wisely and have a massive sense of guilt about attending, I'm still determined to go.

Guilt might like seem like an odd term there... I suppose I should explain.

As you may have read in previous postings, or even rants on my Facebook page, every activity takes so much more energy to accomplish when you are unwell. Hence where the spoon theory comes into play (although it isn't always as straight forward). I have to pick and choose small activities as well as the bigger ones -which is important to do now, which can wait. This ranges from getting dressed to walking the dogs briefly, to doing the dishes or to bigger events like socialising.

If I choose something on the top scale today, going to socialise with a friend for a couple of hours, then I can't do anything else that day or the next day. If I do the laundry and wash the dishes then I will have to nap and can't play with the dogs. If I wash my hair then I can't make dinner and Bicky has to make it (which he does loads, I'm not at all being sexist and saying women should make it, LOL! Just of course I also enjoy doing it and want to help out more often). It's give and take and many times I feel like I'm letting others down, in never ending and forever loosing battle to accomplish as much as possible.

I desperately want to work full time and miss my job, even part-time, but I get up and use my energy to get dressed (yes, that's how ridiculous it is) so then I need to nap or at least rest for a while. I need to get up extra early to prep myself -take my pills, sit up and try get my BP higher/ normal before standing, pop my joints into place, move my hands and feet to try get some feeling back into them (peripheral neuropathy issues). Of course sleep is something not really in my control, and either is waking up. From "painsomnia" to phases of sleeping 20 plus hours, completely knocked out and non responsive to anyone trying to wake me. It's an endless rotation.

#LWIBloggies2016: Circus theme inspiration boards

In light of the blog awards being circus themed, I've went all girly and created some inspiration boards -styles I love, loosely based around the more vintage, creepy take on the circus. Perhaps even more reminiscent of a freak show than traditional circus. I plan to dress comfortably myself, as I can't wear heals unfortunately and I might not bring the wheelchair -so as much comfort as possible will be my main agenda. I have a few ideas in mind, a dress ordered online that I hope will arrive on time, but other than that I'm keeping my lips sealed. Although I promise you, it really is nothing too elaborate!

I know the night in general is meant to be "casual formal" dress but less face it -all you ladies are going to dress up to some extent! And sure why not? And just today they have released that fun dress up within the circus theme is indeed encouraged.

So fellow bloggers, what are you considering wearing on the night? (Guys too!). Will you incorporate the circus theme in little, subtle tones or go full steam ahead to be the belle of the tent? Or maybe you just aren't feeling it and want to steer clear of the concept entirely (fancy dress isn't your thing, or you're going super casual, or you've had an outfit already planned for ages perhaps?). Would love to know what everyone's thoughts are, so leave a comment 😃

If you haven't had a chance to consider an outfit yet, and looking for some circus-y inspiration, I hope these help.

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ 🎪 ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

#LWIBloggies2016: I'm a finalist! - All the details

Drum roll pleeease... For those of you that haven't heard, I am now a ✯finalist✯ in the #LWIBloggies2016 🎪 (Littlewoods Ireland Blog Awards)... This being my first year and generally not paying attention, lol, I didn't realise there was going to be another shortened list until the day it was out but delighted to be on it!!! Silly me! Then when they were announced, there was a sneak peak on snapchait -a format I don't use. Apparently one of the only bloggers in Ireland who doesn't, haha. I was sent the screenshot of the image by a couple of fellow bloggers but still didn't believe it until the official lists were out. I'm in the personal bloggers list of course, under the category of Health and Well Being (which I already knew obviously, but just in case anyone else was wondering). Here's the newly shortened, finalists list:


The awards take place on September 15th in Dún Laoghaire -the theme being circus (which I LOVE -well the more vintage, creepy circus/ freak show would be my thing, but same difference). The location being Duffy's circus tent (which I do not love). My heart actually sank reading that, I have been fighting with my conscious ever since. Like I had assumed, no animals will be at the circus on the night, the organisers are simply using Duffy's tent to coordinate with the circus theme. But here's my dilemma -Duffy's circus still use animals. They may have the lesser, "non wild" animals these days but they have a spotted history and either way will profit from this event in part -I'm sure they are earning something for renting out the tent at least, and I think some of the human staff will be there. Ergo, I am still contributing to an animal circus in monetary form, something I (and many people in the country) are against. Now the argument for this could be that the animals they seem to have these days (mostly dogs and horses I gather, and I think llamas and parrots but reading mixed reports) are not the traditional wild circus animals, and as a pet owner I am a hypocrite.

Hopping on #Instagram

Well, well, well, I have yet again mounted the social media pony and went and got myself an Instagram. I never bothered before -I have Facebook (both profile and pages) and a Twitter account, surely that is enough cloud space for photos? But realising that everyone has one these days, particularly bloggers, I hopped right on. And it's slightly addictive... My ego, nosiness and social conditioning love it, while my insecurities and female brain tell me it's dumb, I'm a fraud and it's waste of precious time/ life. Kinda like watching Pretty Little Liars (which I did recently... Sooo many issues with it, fuckin' hell. Like the writers just made the story up as they went along, yeah? The midway/ summer ending of season 6? Oh what monkey cock, kill me now, and all of the characters. I think by the end of it *I* was actually A. It's still quite addictive for some reason though... another rant for another day). So, anyway, the reasonable human in me tells me to shut up, stop over thinking and I post pretty-ish pictures of mundane things I like, do, see... I think you probably know the complex workings of Instagram yourselves. Join me there, lets self loathe together.

So for various animal pics, mini adventures and probably some playing with my toys/ building forts, join me here:

Cripple Baby on Instagram

In case you've missed previous posts and info, you can add/ follow/ like me on my other social media outlets here:

Blog Awards Ireland: long listed!

Delighted to announce that I made the long list for the Blog Awards Ireland (being sponsored this year by Littlewoods), in the category of Health and Well Being!

Thanks so much to anyone who nominated me... Fingers crossed I make it to the short list, although as I had to take a long break recently from blogging all together, I'm feeling truly honored to reach this phase alone.

My first ever awards night - IBA Blogger's Choice Awards

As anyone who follows my Facebook page will already know, I didn't win at the Irish blogger's Association's blogger's Choice awards at the weekend. Although seeing as how they had spelled my blog as "Cripple babay" on their website, I knew beforehand that I obviously had not won, lol. Still, I wanted to attend for the craic. Thanks to my sister for coming along with me. 

This was not only the first awards I have attended, but also the first year that the IBA have hosted any -So naturally enough there were some teething problems. There was their usual blogger's conference on during the day, but I did not attend this part as I knew I physically would not be able for one event after the other. 

My very first Liebster award nomination!

So a fellow blogger nominated me for the Liebster award. 

For those of you (like myself a couple of weeks ago) who haven't heard of this before, it is as follows:
It's more of a chain-mail, rather than an actual "award". The point is to find and interact with new blogs, while promoting new blogs in the community. Every chain seems to have different rules, altered slightly, but the ones I received are as follows:

• Thank your nominator

• Share the award on your blog

• Answer 10 questions asked to you

• Ask 10 questions to 10 new nominees (who have less than 300 followers)

• Notify them via social media

The whole point is to discover new blogs so the best way to go about this is by posting in groups rather than nominating people you already follow. To find such blogs, I posted in two of my favourite Facebook blogging groups and

Midweek randoms

Not exactly midweek for another hour, but most definitely random. Wee thoughts and recent observations that don't individually deserve their own whole post...  Fun-filled links, titbits (Or is is tidbit? I wasn't sure, LOLZ, doubted myself and had to Google it!) of information you should be aware of and just downright demands/ things you should do, read, watch... Bite size CrippleBaby, if you will... Fun size, even! Have I sold this to you yet? Good. Carry on. 


If you donate to nothing else this year, donate to create Ireland's first cat cafe in Dublin... Yep. You read correctly:
Cat Cafe!

Finally having my second/ big neurologist appointment this month. 1 and half years after the last appointment... Nervous. And not just because it's on Friday the 13th... *Reminds self that superstitions are complete twat bollox*

Want to travel and volunteer? Apply for this (Not one of those scammy organisations, I promise):




Live in Dundalk? Go to this every Tuesday in the Bartender:

Prepare to wet yourself: To Kill a Mocking Bird sequel! 

Visit my new side thing (cause I didn't have enough going on)... Free stuff

Enjoy comedy

Happy (belated) birthday -Cripple, baby!

Oooh, cannot believe I forgot my own blog's birthday :P -Bad blog mama! On September 6th, my little project was 1 year old.

I began this as a journey through ill-health (Hip dysplasia, nerve... shite, spastic... something or other, GERD, hiatus hernia and Dysaut... dizzy-tomnia... or something something) and diagnosis... And soooo, have had feck all appointments or updates as of yet! (Cheers, Irish health system)... But instead, I've entertained you with my bleak views, boring fur-babies and many, many sarcasmos (It's a word now. Because I said so. Also, why is anyone still reading? I'm bored already, and it's my blog. "GET OFF MY BLOG" -In a Peggy Mitchell voice. Sorry if you aren't in Ireland or UK and don't get the reference), and of course not to mention my cancer diagnosis, treatment and recovery (Cheers, Irish health system -this time without intended sarcasmos).

Bless... They're just adorable at this age...

Survival guilt, feeling like a fraud, and viewing disability as a personality trait

Again I'm posting on two issues here, comparing my older illnesses with my new (and hopefully temporary and short-term) condition of Hodgkin's lymphoma.

1. Survival guilt
Usually reserved for those who have well, actually survived cancer or illness and came through the other side, I think I actually began to have this feeling from my first chemotherapy session -if not even from diagnoses.

I wouldn't say I was in denial about having cancer, or that I am now, but the reaction of the doctors made me feel that not only would I probably be ok, but that I was lucky. This is all well and good, and I do definitely believe it! However, that little fact only helps to produce feelings of guilt in me towards sicker people... particularly when I go to the chemotherapy sessions. You see people who are clearly sicker than you, you overhear conversations of the types of cancer they have, of their stories, of the horrific amount of times they have went through treatments. That's when I feel like a fraud.

2. Feeling like a fraud
Now, don't get me wrong blogger friends, I aint totally crazy. I do realise that I also have cancer (again, not in denial, folks) and that these feelings are quiet ridiculous -although at the same time, probably quiet normal. AND I realise as my chemotherapy sessions progress, I will indeed feel, and look, sicker -unless I'm one of those freaks who gets hardly any symptoms. Please, let me be a freak!

...but that's the thing I guess, the old issue of  "Oh, you don't look unwell?", going back to the hip dysplasia and associated issues (and perhaps some un-associated issues). From work colleagues, friends, and general people. And don't get me wrong, most the time people didn't mean any harm -I am aware of that. And I know that looking healthy should be a positive thing! But in all honesty, it can be hella annoying at times. Trying to explain to someone why you can't physically do something and they're looking at you